Okay, so this actually started a while ago. There was a knock on my door. It was the friendly local chapter of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Mormons. Two strapping, well-dressed, young gentlemen stood on my front step to spread the Good Word. Admittedly, I was pretty irritated. These folks had come before. A few times it had been young women in pretty dresses (the implications of which I will not get into here).
I told these two strapping, well-dressed, young gentlemen that I was just hunky-dory in the God department. I had no use of the Joseph Smith version, and quite frankly, complete strangers asking me about my religion is akin to asking how much money I make, or how often I trim up my fun zone. Maybe that’s just me. Anyway, as polite as I possibly could be, I asked them not to come back.
And then they came back. This was a couple months later. I remember thinking, “Man, weren’t they just here?” How often do they think I need to change gods? What exactly was it they were expecting, that I would just give them both a big hug and say, “You know what, I’ll just randomly believe what you teenagers are telling me?” How do they not have a “Do Not Call” type system in place for people who asked them not to come back? They could call it “Do Not Knock.” It’s got a nice ring to it.
This time, I said I was not at all interested. I mentioned I was growing weary of them showing up so often. I asked them politely once more not to come back. As I closed the door and bitched about it to my wife, I caught sight of those fellows strolling not on my concrete walkway to the street, but through my grass and onto my driveway. At this point, one of the strapping, well-dressed gentlemen did an ass slide a la Dukes of Hazzard across my hood of my car. No damage was done, but it bothered me. If anyone is going to ass slide off my car, it’s going to be me. I have the perfect ass for it. Who did these strapping, well-dressed, young gentlemen think they were?
Not long after that, a few months maybe, the door knocked again. This time I was on the can. I had tacos for lunch. I was in the middle of what was turning out to be a rather long process. I’m just being honest here. Obviously, this was highly inconvenient to me. But I’m a man who answers the front door, so I hastily tended to my business, and rushed out of the bathroom. After all, it could be the Girl Scouts. I dig me some Thin Mints. I put them in the freezer. I find them delightful. But no, no frozen minty goodness for me. God was, once again, for sale.
I was a little angrier this time. I had to get off the can for this? Yet again, I didn’t raise my voice. I argued that these two strapping, well-dressed, young gentlemen were at my door more often than any Girl Scout, politician, or cable provider. One of them then asked me if I loved my family, as if not joining them meant that I didn’t. The other condescendingly informed me that all I needed to do was place a “No Soliciting” sign on my door, and they would pass me by. I muttered something along the lines of “Please just go away and don’t come back” before closing the door none too gently.
About twenty minutes later (I still had business to attend to), I just couldn’t let it go. This was crap. A “No Soliciting” sign might make them go away, but it also meant no more Thin Mints, no more chocolate bars from sports teams, no more politicians arguing their case. This would not do. I located the non-emergency number of my local police station and gave them a ring. The woman who answered was polite, completely understanding, and agreed that she was equally annoyed by these door to door God salesmen. I mentioned the “No Soliciting” sign and recounted my story. She told me this information was false, and that I didn’t need to place the sign up after all. Asking someone to leave your property means just that. If they come back, it’s harassment, trespassing.
And wouldn’t you know it? Those cats came back. This time, I let them have it. I’m pretty sure I didn’t swear, but I’m not positive. I shouted at them for a good five minutes. They just stood there and listened, taking it across the cheek like champs. Between my gasps for breath, they gave me the same line about the “No Soliciting” sign in almost the same exact fashion as the last time. I explained (yelled) this was not so and that I had called the police on them already. I said at least three more times “Never come here again.” As I slammed the door in their face, they muttered something how they couldn’t control if they, or any other Mormons, would come back. Apparently they have a system of canvassing a neighborhood, but not a system for avoiding homeowners that have no interest in such ridiculousness.
Now I don’t blame these strapping, well-dressed, young men. They were little more than children, hocking the Good Word because someone in their family or someone at their church told them to. I’m convinced that there is even a chapter in their “Bother People At Home” orientation with that exact same “No Soliciting” line of crap.
It was sad, really. None of the children that knocked on my door in the name of Mormonism were more than nineteen years old. These kids should be sneaking beers behind dugouts, perfecting how to unhook a bra with one hand, or working a crappy job for gas money. They shouldn’t be wasting entire evenings selling God to people who have repeatedly requested they not come back.
Now don’t get me wrong. If you want to believe in the ramblings of a man with a criminal rap sheet longer than your high fastening pants, knock yourself out. This is America. And I’ve got no beef with most religions including (but not limited to) Judaism, Catholicism, Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, Sikhism, Neopaganism, Satanism, Wicca, Hellenism, Hinduism, Kemetism, Jainism, Zoroastrianism, or Cthuluism. Worship whatever the hell, and however the hell you want. But it is worth noting that NONE of the religions I mentioned have ever knocked on my door in a desperate attempt to convert me.
My dear Mormons, I’m sure you think you’re doing the right thing, that volunteering your time spreading this nonsense might actually help someone. If you really want to help, why not instead just take that time to actually help people? Why not volunteer at a food kitchen? Maybe you could join the local ProLiteracy chapter and teach folks how to read. You could organize a basketball league for under privileged youths, play with sick children stuck in hospitals, adopt a highway, assist at the local veterinarian, donate to St. Jude’s, or mentor a troubled teen. These actions speak louder than repeated knocks on my door.
Better yet, and I know it’s a stretch here, waive your (absolutely ridiculous) right to tax exemption, chip in like the rest of us sinners, and let the United States Government take care of everything I mentioned. That way you don’t have to worry about it. The rest of us will take care of it while you do whatever it is that you do.
So I’m looking at you right in the face, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, when I say these words. Get the hell off my lawn. This is harassment. This is illegal. If you don’t have a “Do Not Knock” type system in place, make one. If I see ANY of you again, I’m seriously calling the cops on you, and I’m going to make an unnecessarily large deal out of it. I’m not putting a “No Soliciting” sign on my door. I still want Thin Mints. I still want to support my local sports teams and school band trips. I still want to hear from those that are running for local government. I simply refuse that you take that away from me.
To everyone else who is equally annoyed by this fly by night recruitment scheme, please share this. I was unaware of my rights, and I imagine I’m not alone. Since laws may differ by jurisdiction, I urge you to contact your local authorities for clarification. You might be pleasantly surprised.
If you don’t share, don’t worry. I won’t repeatedly ask you. I know firsthand just how annoying that is.
Finally on a serious note, if you (or anyone you know, regardless of age) is doing something you don’t want to do because of a religion/cult, THIS IS WRONG. This is YOUR life, not theirs. Remember there is always a way out. Say something, do something. Don’t stand idly by. There are some useful resources online, such as the Cult Education Institute, a nonprofit that specializes in exposing the life shattering effects some “religious” organizations have. I didn’t find a decent hotline number, but many resources advise to just call 911. The authorities CAN help you.